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Caustic Thoughts

Caustic Thoughts

Random funny thoughts with a taste of Pinoy and a hint of acid.

Society

Rising From the Ruins

January 18, 2009 by witandwisdom

“It rained for four years, eleven months and two days… Macondo was in ruins. In the swampy streets there were the remains of furniture, animal skeletons covered with red lilies…”
—One Hundred Years of Solitude
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
At least five people have told me that they don’t like to watch the news because it’s always about depressing bad news. I’m sorry to say though that I have little choice but to write about bad news. My previous post was about the January 5 Cagayan de Oro flash flood. On January 11, another one hit the city. Since then, I had been holed up at home for five days while the rain poured and reminded us who’s boss and how easily politicians can be sent on wild hunts for donkeys to pin the blame on. 
 
The calamity is not the worst of its kind. For online workers like me though, the incident was the equivalent of not having been able to get into Noah’s ark. Days of electrical connections that are like Christmas lights (now you have lights, now you don’t) and wireless internet connections that get so easily blown out of trajectory like an emaciated dieter in a blizzard are like slow death by drowning. A few days away from the virtual world can lead to lost subscribers, customers, advertisers and gulp, those green pieces of paper we swap hotdogs and Starbucks for.
But again, I cannot— should not whine like a spoiled socialite who got an espresso instead of a macchiato by mistake. At least those were all that I lost (sniff*). Others have lost traces of their existence along with their wrecked houses. According to last Monday’s news, the number of affected families has risen to 13,000. As if to prove the veracity of the reports, more and more basketball courts (that are omnipresent fixtures in Filipino communities) have been converted to shelters. 
I should know better though than to worry too much over my fellow Kagay-anons. The top picture taken by fellow CDO Blogger Pangitster is not an image of people fleeing from the floods. It is a photo of people enjoying the flood. This, my friends, is a perfect picture of Filipino character even in the face of disaster. Hit this country with a calamity and a smile will beam right out into the world. 
I’d like to believe that this collective Filipino trait is not the result of plain simple-mindedness, or worse, idiocy. Some say jollity is simply a natural Filipino trait that defies explanation. I think though that the poverty, hardship and/or simplicity that have been forced upon us by the twin diseases of greed and corruption have rendered us immune to sorrow. Why should we sweat the big stuff when we always have so little to gain or lose? If we’d been rolling in the filth of ill-gotten wealth, we’d have descended into the pits of depression if we’d lost all that filth.
So while people did suffer at the heat (or cold) of the disaster, as emotionally captured by Titus Velez, we can only expect the Filipino Kagay-anon to rise again. 
*Photos by Pangitster of CDO Bloggers
P.S. The CDO Bloggers have been able to raise P10,000 in 48 hours through the help of bloggers, plurkers and tweeters from all over the country and the world. The money raised was used to buy goods for those affected by the flash floods. On the photo to the right are a few of the CDO Bloggers with the goods. We wish to thank all those who have helped us help those in need.
Since we are all aware though that con artists are everywhere, we would like to clarify that the official Paypal e-mail to which donations can be sent is jamgfx@gmail.com. All other requests for money made in behalf of the CDO Bloggers with other e-mail addresses indicated do not come from us.
*PBA verification code PBA09op0q8q4

Filed Under: Society

Hell Hath No Fury Like Nature Scorned a.k.a. the Great CDO Flood

January 10, 2009 by witandwisdom

I’ve been away from some of my online haunts lately. My momentum broke because the week began with a flood. Not the knee-deep flood that is the staple in expanding Philippine cities but the run for your life kind of flood that makes you wonder if the sins of mankind have yet again merited another Biblical Great Flood. This time, the story stars not a local Noah but the embattled conman or martyr (depending on your loyalties) from the people’s palace who came recently with a grin and matching relief goods.

It’s tempting to blame the calamity on the entities in power, the same ones who regularly mount circus acts that are more astounding and convoluted than the acrobatic shows of the Cirque du Soliel. Unfortunately, not even Filipino trapos (traditional politicians) can make complicated rain dances that cause floods so they can display their beneficence, pocket disaster funds and chisel their names on the concrete projects intended to prevent disasters.
Of course, the old ones still believe in conspiracy theories and they suspect that the powers that be have been affixing their signatures in invisible ink on logging clearances. The younger theorists though tend to believe more in the effects of global warming. The Cagayan de Oro flood may very well have been our first taste of the nastiness of this new-fangled environmental mess. 
I once worked in an education institution that taught its students that global warming is, beyond doubt, real. I never knew until I read about Michael Crichton’s differing stand that some experts dispute the theory of global warming. Of course, if Leonardo DiCaprio says it’s real, it must be because I am female and he said so (that was a joke). 
The sad fact is, whether global warming really causes floods or not, these floods are likely related to the price of what industrialists call development, the kind that they enjoy. The ones whose homes were underwater for a day or disappeared with the water forever probably can’t appreciate anything. 
So while my initial reaction to our two days of no electricity was to scream that I would not survive without the internet, I’m not about to complain. Many of the thousands of affected families (5000 according to one report) have had to swim for their lives, contend with washed down snakes and sleep on cold concrete for days after the flood. Who knows where they’ll be sleeping next and what they’ll be feeding their kids when the relief from those relief goods run out. 
P.S. Is it just me or is the riverside balut maker’s hut missing? Where have all the ducks gone? I suppose there will be a shortage of unborn chicks for my drinking buddies to feast on.
*Third photo by Robstroy of CDO Bloggers

*PBA verification code PBA094s174r9

Filed Under: Society

Christmas Economics

December 28, 2008 by witandwisdom

My blog is distinctly missing a Christmas greeting and it’s not because I’m Scrooge in the flesh. Despite appearances, I am a Christmas fanatic. I studied in Catholic schools where every year, traditional tableaux reminded me of whose birthday it was we were celebrating. For some strange reason, I was never chosen to play Mary, Joseph or one of the three kings. The closest I could get to a role in a school tableau was as donkey alternate.

My home situation contributed too to developing holiday eagerness. I grew up in Baguio where some houses, including our own, had chimneys. That and the cold weather gave my mom an excuse to to feed her kids the illusion that the Philippines was part of Santa’s itinerary. So I came to believe in St. Nick even if commonsense told me that Santa needed a century’s worth of Atkins or South Beach to fit through our non-western, slim, robber proof chimney flue.

So if I love Christmas so much, why don’t I have a post about it? I’ve been preoccupied with worldly, economic concerns. A few months before the holidays, a company beside my husband’s workplace announced that it would let go of all of its probationary employees. Of course, that was not pleasant news but that was still too far from home to cause me more than the expected distress at someone else’s misfortune. Two days before Christmas, my husband tells me they’ve all been put on forced leave. For daily paid workers, that’s some kind of “whoa!” That hit home.

No, we are not about to starve, but all of a sudden, the impersonal, intangible statistical figures on unemployment rates, inflation and falling stocks are singing carols at my doorstep. It may soon be my misfortune and not someone else’s. Today we lost the Christmas ham. Tomorrow we could lose the daily bacon.

That’s why Christmas almost flew past me. It’s a good thing I live in the Philippines. This is where even the dirt poor always have smiles to spare even when it’s not Christmas. This is the land of eternal smiles where worrying, especially during Christmas is out of place. It goes without saying that this is one of the countries where Christmas is most at home. No amount of economic crunching can detract from the collective happiness, the perpetual sense of family and the timelessness of His kind of love.

*Photo from Download Free Pictures

Filed Under: Society

World Domination and Value Meals

December 20, 2008 by witandwisdom

If there’s one thing in the Philippines that sprouts faster than weeds, it’s Jollibee outlets. It seems there’s always one in every corner. A little over five years ago, Cagayan de Oro only had two or three outlets around. Today, there are about ten of them with the newest having recently opened across Lourdes College. TEN! The number is enough to give you nightmares of swarms of giant yellow-orange bees out to get your pocket money and of thousands of chickens rising against chicken rights violations.

And they said the country is in economic distress. Apparently though, business must be doing great for Jollibee. We Filipinos just can’t seem to do without our value meals. A minimum wage earner will not hesitate to squander a good portion of his fleeting income for the tasty treats. That is even if Chickenjoy prices constantly threaten to send consumers into a coma and Yumburgers now resemble bald, thinning, receding hairlines. 
I must admit, I have a soft spot for Jollibee even if I like McDonalds better. I get emotional when anything Filipino rises to great heights (technically speaking, the founders seem to have strong Chinese origins, but the Jollibee characteristic taste is simply Pinoy).
I suppose it could only get better. Jollibee could be the next big tool in our bid for world domination, next to OFWs, TFC, and that infernal novelty song-infested noontime show. There are outlets sprouting outside of the Philippines. It’s only a matter of time before people from across the globe become infected with the urge to splurge on our value meals. Harharhar.
P.S. My daughter once said I look like Jollibee because of my generous rump. I wonder if that makes me qualified for mascot duty. 
*Photo taken from Sandy and Jasmine, my former students. These were my former publication staff members on their second childhood with Jollibee.

Filed Under: Society

All Quiet in the South-Eastern Front

December 8, 2008 by witandwisdom

It’s that time of year when crime rates are at their lowest, when streets enjoy light traffic and when the MILF declares ceasefires without fail. I’m not talking about Christmas. I’m talking about Pacquiao bouts. This last one with Dela Hoya has done all these plus it has made every enterprising Filipino with a cable connection richer by a few hundreds. If Pacquiao wants to help maintain peace here in the south and encourage some small measure of economic health, he could risk his life in the ring more often. That would make him a true heroic martyr worthy of a tin shrine next to Bonifacio’s desecrated one.

For those of us who are too miserly to get a cable connection, the benefits of Pacquiao bouts take longer to happen. So while the rest of the neighborhood ooh and aah in real time, we misers have to wait for three hours for a delayed telecast that’s generously peppered with five minute advertisements for every three minute round. Some of my housemates retreat with earplugs to the farthest corners of the house to escape well-meaning neighbors intent on spreading the news of the outcome. 
But it is impossible not to find out who the victor is before the delayed show. After years of hearing the neighbors howl, weep and recite expletives, it’s easy for every late viewer to develop the skill of determining Pacquiao fight outcomes based on human emitted sounds alone. My father-in-law however has a way of justifying not getting cable for the sake of watching Pacman destroy someone else’s face. He doesn’t mind watching delayed bouts with prior knowledge of the outcome because it’s watching the process of slugging that counts. 
In any case, delayed or not, I enjoy Pacman days because everyone’s behaved down here. Pacman brings peace like no other living creature can.
Photo Credit: cooldude

Filed Under: Society

The Watcher

November 8, 2008 by witandwisdom

A friend who lives in another island is in need of a watcher, not the type whose job is to make sure that his boss’ vote buying really pays off. I mean the type whose job is: (1) to ring for the nurse in case the one being watched inexplicably turns blue, and (2) to satisfy the billing department’s demand for another down payment before the hospital is confronted with the dilemma of whether or not to take hostages.

I had a similar problem when I gave birth but it was more because of my ignorance than the actual lack of a watcher. I didn’t know until past my second decade of existence that patient watchers in Philippine hospitals are a must. Otherwise, patients will discover the true definition of death by neglect. So I went to the hospital by myself in all my pregnant glory to the distress of the staff who told me I needed a watcher immediately unless of course I were capable of lying in the delivery table, paying the bills, buying medicine and checking for spare blood from Red Cross all at the same time. Fortunately for me, I had in-laws who were so grandchild hungry that they didn’t mind watching over the source of what would become the joy of their twilight years.

My sister had pals who were equally as ignorant as I but they had an excuse because they were Europeans on a vacation in the Philippines. One of them had to unexpectedly be admitted to the hospital so the other one drives her to a public hospital and leaves her there. A nurse comes along and asks her for her watcher. The European blinks and her expression transforms into a question mark. So does that mean that European hospitals do not require watchers?

This begs the question: Are close Filipino family ties partly the result of hospital systems or are hospital systems the result of close family ties? Moreover, is the poverty of the Filipino condition yet again to blame for our need for watchers? What if every member of the family had to work to pay for the hospital bills? Should one volunteer to be unemployed to watch over the hospitalized?

If only my friend’s hospital allows online watchers in the same way that one funeral parlor now allows online wakes, there’d be no problem. Hehe.

Filed Under: Society

Mag Chat at Bumuo ng Mail

November 1, 2008 by witandwisdom

I’ve been told that Yahoo Mail is so last decade and that the sosy ones have migrated to Gmail. I’m not exactly the sosy type but @gmail does sound nicer than @yahoo at least until Gmail becomes the next big stale thing five years from now.

So I signed up for a Gmail account and was a little surprised. Apparently my default mode is in Filipino and even if I try to shift to English, I still get the Filipino translation of everything when I check my mail.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the Filipino language. To me, it is one of the softest and most romantic of languages but it feels weird when you attempt to use it in a technical manner and on an online platform. It seems slightly out of place and incomplete. I still can’t get the hang of Mga Bituin and Kahon ng paghahanap and then there’s Mga Chat and Mga Setting. Don’t we have translations for chat, settings, sign-out, inbox, contacts and spam (ano yun, Karne Norte)? Is there no place in our noble tongue for tech talk?

My little trip into Pinoy Gmail just reminded me of how we still haven’t kept up with the virtual trend. While much of the world has completed its online migration, BIR still doesn’t have a more appropriate system for taxing online netizens, schools are still teaching Word and Power Point and small companies still haven’t realized that the future of businesses is in virtual reality.

I can’t blame the structure of our language for being what it is and for not allowing some local versions of foreign words. But I can’t seem to reconcile myself with the idea that there are other aspects of online life that our social systems also do not accommodate.

Maybe I’m just really looking for a genuine Pinoy online experience that doesn’t feel like I left half of my body in some foreign land.

Filed Under: Society

Job Wet Market

October 26, 2008 by witandwisdom

It was reasonable to assume that the day started out on a positive note. The rows of neat tables and boards were laid out in anticipation of an orderly flow of people. They would go in for short chats and go out joyously expectant.

By the middle of the morning, I was told that the line had gone on into infinity. But at least the tables were still in order and although the level of human noise pollution had risen incredibly, no one had yet dropped dead of exhaustion. 
It was a different story as the clock struck three. By then, the line of people that had snaked beyond sight had inexplicably found its way into the bowel of the large unpaved room and the orderly flow broke in one swoop. The tables resisted displacement but the aisles in between had people going in eight directions. An instant at the doorway would tell you that everyone in the room had developed over active sebaceous glands and that venturing in would most likely give you a whiff of what humans really smell like without chemical masking. You’d have fonder memories of your face rubbed on a table of fresh fish.
If it weren’t for the obvious signs of life, I’d say we were all inside a giant canister filled with sweat and carbon dioxide. People stood so close to each other that each would have to breathe whatever the others exhaled. At least the taller ones had dibs on whatever fresh air was still available. The poor ones in polo shirts and slacks who sat on either side of the rows of tables had no choice but to inhale who knew what. 
At the end of the day though, staying in the canister proved to be more appealing than moving out. They all had to go home at the same time and it seemed that there were so many humans on that single spot of earth that there were no public rides left. Both sides of the street had clumps of people waiting to attack empty jeepneys on the way down to the city. Others simply opted to walk. 
I had no idea that this was the extent of unemployment in our city, in our country actually.

Filed Under: Society

For the Love of Booze

October 12, 2008 by witandwisdom

There is only one thing I hate more than fiestas and booze— special occasions and booze. I am not an alcohol drinker but that is not the reason why I have a special aversion for the act of intoxication. I should know better than to discriminate against yellow or brown bloods. I have excellent friends, including my husband, who are fine people who frequently undergo alcohol transfusions.

My husband in particular isn’t someone to complain over. He spends his own money, tiptoes back home in the quiet of the night, prepares his own calming potions, cleans himself up and then sleeps without having to bother me over anything or wake me up for an irrational conversation. If he takes particularly long interpreting the muddled internal map for home, I get a special cholesterol treat from McDonald’s when he does get his map straightened out. It’s an entirely different story though with others who, by virtue of fate and not of choice, I share close ties with.

The first few bottles usually present no problems. If anything else, they seem more jovial and attractive, with their red-tinged cheeks and toothy grins. The third case of six grandes however facilitates the dreaded transformation and because you are related by blood or association, you have no choice but to suffer their perceived heaven or hell, depending on their levels of self-esteem. Those who have life issues from infinity and beyond bombard you with the same sob story you’ve been hearing twelve times a year for ten years. If they are in a particularly good mood, they will engage you in an argument that defies the rules of basic logic. Arguing back, as in my case, would prove that you are truly an even greater fool.

The non-drinker’s saving grace is the omnipresent gem of Philippine entertainment— the videoke. The secret to getting away from a flammable companion is to secretly key in the code to My Way and you will have succeeded in creating a riot over the microphone at which point you can secretly retreat to a darker corner of the room.

But the sigh of relief is short-lived. As soon as the cock starts to crow, they will realize that it is time to retire to their crypts where they must play dead for most of the day or else suffer the pangs of wifely discontent. They drive home at the height of their induced insanity with you in the back seat. You will soon find out that homing pigeons know their way better than the guy on the wheel. It is only by some miracle that you live to see another day.

At noon or in the afternoon, they wake up as if nothing happened. You are left with the strange feeling that the joke was on you.

Filed Under: Society

The Culling

August 17, 2008 by witandwisdom

Thanks to online writing I am fast becoming a Jill of all trades. I’ve learned nearly everything from achieving transcendence to convincing fellow females to go out with me. This week, my assignment has made me an unlikely expert of horse breeds, 75 of them to be exact. Most of these breeds are the result of human intervention. Human meddling in equine affairs has sometimes been so extreme that there have been horses as short as 17 inches and as tall as 6 feet.

Breeders decide which horses can give and deliver reproductive fluids to create horses with physical attributes, performance traits and temperaments that are ideal for whatever specific purpose the breed will be used for. Those that don’t make the cut are culled. That’s just a fancy way of saying Simon (or Wyngard) says they have no talent, earning them unlimited passes to the pastures of the afterlife. Of course, other breeders simply prefer castrating undesirable specimens or locking them away from the company of the opposite gender.

For some strange reason, that is probably the result of my own unusual breeding, horse breeding reminds me of the Olympics. I got the connection after standing on my head for a couple of hours. Try it. The truth is though is that the perceived connection is a hypothetical one. I was wondering if the Olympics could have been used as a “breed” tester of sorts if solid proof had been found to support racist theories. Would the Filipino race have been gradually culled because of the lack of desirable attributes that could lead to a gold medal? As matters stand, most of our champions have already bowed out in Beijing.

But there is no basis for racist beliefs. The Human Genome Project says we are all 99.9% similar. Although the small fraction that points to our differences may have critical implications in disease treatment, environmental adaptability and PERHAPS even specific task performance (which means slight genetic differences should not be taken lightly in the interest of political correctness), I would like to think that Filipino athletes could have an equal crack at collecting gold in events where we naturally excel in if we had the same opportunity for training as athletes in other countries do. Our failure to go for gold has nothing to do with our “breed.” I highly suspect that if culling had to be imposed, the ones who diverted the funds for sports training should be the first ones in line.

Note: For an interesting account on genetic mapping and the controversy of racial differences, check Race and the Human Genome

Photo Credit: Download-Free-Pictures.com

Filed Under: Society

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