Politics

Government officials are guilty until proven innocent. That is the inherent difficulty of working for the public. People assume there is some impropriety going on, like public funds being appropriated for the upkeep of ten wives or, in the case of a certain district representative of the City of Purple Structures, the purchase of the services of a foreign beauty whose job is to convince constituents that her man doesn’t live in a closet wearing a tutu, only a tutu (this is a blind item in case you’re wondering).

So how do elected officials and representatives prove their innocence or at least create positive images for themselves?

They have a couple of time and tested options:

a. Die an early and tragic death so their political party mates can belatedly lionize them thereby exposing all their good deeds.

b. Find space to plaster their diamond-toned faces in tarpaulins for every birthday, christening and fiesta in town so people can confuse their visibility with actual work accomplished. 

c. Kiss babies.

d. Dance to Nikki Minaj’s latest blasphemy, despite being grandfatherly and having four left feet, during election campaigns so people can confuse looking stupid in public with concern for public welfare.

But all they really should be doing is to sit and talk. There’s nothing like a casual chat to reveal if a politician has sense and if he has his own opinions about things that matter rather than relying on speech writers to supply them copied words from well written blog content and Wikipedia articles.

Enter the subject of our video above, first term Aurora Representative Juan Edgardo “Sonny” M. Angara who graciously sat with a group of bloggers and gave his opinion on matters ranging from the RH Bill to the definition of love, which, in the heady mixture of fruit shakes and fries morphed into defining Mar Roxas.

Of course, it’s impossible to completely measure a man through just one conversation but this beats having to determine how worthy he is by virtue of a digitally enhanced tarpaulin or his dancing skills.

If you want to find out more about Sonny Angara and his achievements, refer to Google. There’s enough there about who he is and what he’s done, but if you want to really hear him speak, watch the video. If he ran for senate next year, would you vote for him?

Rep. Sonny Angara with bloggers. Photo by Ding.

Screenshot of Robredo tribute page – gov.ph/salamatjesse/

The problem with spineless people is that they have no feelings from the ego down. It is therefore a matter of national interest that before we elect a candidate into public office, we should take the time to determine if he has two essential body parts, a spine and balls.

In a country where government officials are anatomically challenged, the death of DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo is a great loss. I do not know the man personally and cannot offer firsthand testimony, but from everything else that’s written about him, you will find a simple man who did not cheat, steal (public funds or the work of bloggers to fill his speaches:P) or misuse tax money. The stories will reveal too that he quiety loved his country, eschewing fanfare as he labored to ensure transparency, encourage people participation and promote a system of productivity in government.

We only have to look at Naga City, a former third class city that has Robredo to thank for its elevation into first class to understand his value. As its mayor at the age of 29, he worked to streamline internal systems, demolish illegal businesses and eliminate the culture of indolence in government offices. When we look at what he has accomplished, we can only weep at this other mayor whose most astounding achievement is to come out of the closet in his pink slippers.

Robredo was only beginning to work his skillful hands in the DILG when he was taken away. In the words of Lourd de Veyra, who did not publicly attribute this statement to anyone in particular but is fitting to this tragedy anyway, “Bakit ganun? Kung sino pa ang mga kupal, sila pa ang nagtatagal sa mundo– at may pambayad pa ng stem cell treatment.” (Why is it that it’s the as*ho*** who live long — and can even afford stem cell treatment?)

But there must have been some good in this tragedy. Prior to his death, people in my circles didn’t know who he was. Now that his life has been told in public, we all know what he did for the country.

Where can we find another Jesse Robredo?

Perhaps there are some 29-year old would be mayors out there who have been so enthralled by the secretary’s story that they will have started growing the appropriate body parts ideal for public service.

Where’s Chiz? Can you help me find him? (Photo by Ding)

Last week I asked to be excused from work. I’m proud to say I told the truth and none of that “I’m sick” excuse, which is a dangerous excuse by the way. There’s always a chance you’ll slip and use an illness as an excuse twice, and of course, there’s Facebook, where pictures just have a way of getting around, especially bikini pictures.

Not that I was going to the beach in a bikini. The ample layer of organic insulation (a.k.a. fat) that has mysteriously accumulated around my torso will have made that a frightful sight. I took a leave from work because my blogger pal, Irene, arranged for the CDO Bloggers to meet Senator Chiz Escudero, an event more to my liking than a beach party actually.

We were reminded of course, to think of intelligent questions. To conserve the energy needed to generate intelligence, I simply typed “intelligent questions” on Google. First on its search results was a site in which the first intelligent question listed was, “You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?”

I doubt if that would have impressed Escudero, so I simply recalled the usual saying Filipinos subscribe to when intelligence and perseverance fail, “Bahala na (The heck with it).”

Fortunately (or unfortunately) we weren’t given the chance to astound him with our mental acuity, or the lack thereof. We were told he’d be unable to keep his engagement with us due to a more pressing meeting in Davao but that we’d be allowed to at least see him in person if we hurried.

What followed was a handful of bloggers attempting to set the record for fastest bath in the rush to prepare to meet him. I’d hazard to say that some of us might have even considered the splashing of cologne as a quick bath.

In my case, all attempts to smell nice and look presentable were in vain. I had to tear through three locations to make it in time to see him. By the time he was within reach, I was coated with a thin film of sweat and lightly sprinkled with dust, a battered blogger ready for frying.

My fellow bloggers and I kept a little distance, perhaps afraid he’d smell us, but there was nothing polite about it. We stared at him (timidly of course) and if eyes could chew, he’d have been digested. 

He smiled, said sorry for the cancelled meeting and promised to return for us.

Charming.

Someone coughed up the courage to say “picture” and in the blink of an eye, we smothered him. In all the eagerness, we didn’t even notice we nearly pushed him out of the picture as he craned his neck from behind. It was almost a photo opportunity with Escudero without Escudero and the final group shot was aptly captioned, “Where’s Chiz? Can you help me find him?”

We were treated to lunch with his staff, but after, there was no sense surmising on what he would have said about the divorce bill, election 2013, the territorial dispute with China, the selection of the new chief justice, K to 12 education and world peace. So we got ourselves drunk with coffee and shot a clip of two of our bloggers using the iTraylet instead.

Yes, this post is all drivel, totally lacking in depth and is veering towards nonsense but I had to write about the experience. After all, it was the highlight of my week, meeting a famous person who was the reason I finally got to park my normally overworked brain for a day and got some physical exercise for a change .

The next time Escudero drops by Cagayan de Oro, my brain will be back on duty and he better be ready for the full force of my intelligent questions.

The prosecutors of Chief Justice Corona have no evidence and no witnesses. Even a two year old can therefore conclude that they have no case. After making themselves permanent fixtures in humor blogs nationwide they might have belatedly realized this and have now dropped five of the eight articles of impeachment. Nonetheless, they continue to harbor the delusion that they performed spectacularly.

Either they are afflicted with a pathological condition that prevents them from admitting their incompetence or they are trying to save face. After having been called “an insult to the intelligence of Filipinos” by the Lady Senator from Mt. Doom, the desire to preserve whatever shred of dignity they have left seems understandable.

The prosecutors and their congressmen supporters however, possessed by the spirit of justice (Or is it vengeance? Johnny Blaze is that you?), remain unfazed and are determined to cause continued shame to their kith and kin ten times removed and to everyone else named Tupas, Barzaga, Umali, Farinas et.al. They’ve been lectured by the senator-judges so frequently that they’re sure they now have equivalents of PhD degrees in impeachment proceedings.

They also have the support of an anonymous backer in a yellow Porsche who supplies them with enough hallucinogens to help them imagine the evidence and disregard the law better. They’re confident they can do better next year.

Gasp! There’ll be more “most embarrassing moments” next year?

I hope they realize that by that time, Corona will have been able to cover his tracks so that any remaining shard of evidence will have shrunk to plankton.

In a seemingly unrelated event, people dressed in yellow flocked to the streets over the weekend to commemorate the 26th anniversary of the EDSA People Power Revolution. While they prayed, sang and cheered, bystanders wondered what all the fuss was about. I have it in good authority that when members of the media asked a handful of these bystanders what EDSA meant to them, some replied that it was synonymous to heavy traffic.

Others who were obviously more engrossed over Pinoy Henyo (name the word on my forehead game) than the country’s history proceeded to ask leading questions in an attempt to guess the meaning of Edsa.

• Nakakain ba yan? (Is that edible?)
• Naibebenta ba yan? (Is that something that can be sold?)
• Naisasanla ba yan? (Is that something that can be pawned?)
• Agimat ba yan? (Is that a charm?)

I can’t blame Filipinos who don’t have an answer. It’s not their fault that they ran out of school days before they could get to the second half of their history books where the revolution is detailed.

My advice to common folk approached by the media during commemorations of the EDSA Revolution is to run away as fast as they can. Make the mistake of staying for even a minute and they will force a stupid answer out of you that will be immortalized on TV, forever making you the laughing stock of those who know better.

Up in heaven, I can imagine Ninoy crying and Cory comforting him, “There, there… they’ll remember you eventually. You’re printed on 500 peso bills.”

Fishing for evidence. You’ve got to dive deeper than that.

I need a radical shift from my sedentary 12-hour workdays. Of course, what I really mean by a radical shift is putting a YouTube playlist on and moving over to the bed behind my workspace with a bag of baby carrots. That’s 5 steps to exercise my muscles and low fat snacks to cut the calories, an astounding improvement from my protracted days of immobility and frequent excursions into large bags of tasty trans fats.

Having been detached from the real world for days I was naturally eager for some good entertainment. Luckily, highlights of Chief Justice Corona’s impeachment trial were multiplying like rabbits online.

My blog lurkers noticeably veer away from posts where I’m waxing poetic about politics. After all, nothing else is better than politics (except maybe for a ride on a Philippine bus) when it comes to inducing distress, nausea and high blood pressure. What many don’t realize though is that, to preserve good health, political topics are best experienced with a sense of humor.

The current impeachment trial has proven funnier than PNoy’s unending search for the girl who can stand having Kris for an in-law. The source of hilarity stems in part from the members of the prosecution being sorely out of their league (like Luke crossing sabers with Emperor Palpatine or Westlife challenging Whitney Houston to a sing along) and so rusty they’ll give you tetanus.

Somebody please tell Rath I found his sister.

Lady Senator from Mount Doom: How many witnesses do you plan to present?
Serafin “Emperor Palpatine” Cuevas: 15
Neil “Baby Luke” Tupas: Uh… can I ask my pals first? I don’t think I have enough fingers to count. (Team Westlife combines fingers and counts by twos…)
Baby Luke: 100 witnesses your honor.
Lady Senator from Mount Doom: My foot! Are you kidding me?

By the time the trial ends they will have killed at least three senators, Enrile by old age, Santiago by cardiac arrest and Lapid by profuse nose bleeding caused by prolonged exposure to English.

Joseph “Justine Bieber” Perez: Did Corona receive special favors from Megaworld? (Prosecutors cross fingers and hope the answer is yes.)
Noli “I Lost My Hair” Perez: No
Justine Bieber: (Turns to his pal) Hey Luke, is he or isn’t he our witness?

That was a stunning display of how a prosecution panel can demolish itself with its own witness.

Then there’s — Fishing for evidence. More fun Funnier in the Philippines.

Prosecution says they received incriminating bank documents from an anonymous small lady who is a no show on the senate CCTV videos. The documents have been called fakes but prosecutors stand by their story, saying that the lady was really so small, smaller than the little girl in Veterans Memorial, that the CCTV cameras couldn’t have picked her up.

Not to be outdone defense claims they also have an anonymous Palace tipster who says PNoy offered 100 million pesos per senator to win them over. At the various expressions of disbelief over the availability of such huge funds, defense says Aquino has a secret plantation of money trees from where the money will come from.

Being an anonymous tipster has become so fashionable I plan to give anonymous information on where the prosecution team can get law books in bulk and where the defense team can get textbooks on drama scriptwriting.

Notwithstanding their “100 million pesos” blunder, the defense lawyers still look like they have the upper hand in skills and common sense. Here then is a collection of pieces of advice for the prosecution…

“Practice makes perfect.” –Senator Geriatric

“If you’re not sure… Just don’t.” –Senator Johnny Come Lately a.k.a. The Late Senator Pimentel

“Hit the law books (or I’ll hit you with them)!” –Lady Senator from Mount Doom

“Confer with your witness before he takes the stand and make sure he’s willing to fry himself in his own oil.” –Senator Geriatric

“Don’t ask a question if you don’t know the answer.” –Some dead law expert quoted by the Lady Senator from Mount Doom.

Corona wipes tears, crocodile or some other animal…

Personally, I think Corona has enough dirty laundry to get himself into trouble. Fortunately for him, there is a shortage of brilliant congressmen and prosecutors. Then again, we’ve only really just begun. Maybe Luke and his team will have evolved into a more intelligent species by the time we reach article 8.

Like every humor blogger, I wanted to close the year with a year end special that would leave you rolling with laughter at the indignities of people in the socio-political spotlight, but I live in Cagayan de Oro. Even if you’ve been severely detached from reality by the Cartoon Network, you’d have heard that the year ender of year enders, Typhoon Sendong, swept over Cagayan de Oro City and Iligan, causing flash floods and killing hundreds. It would be inappropriate to write about unrelated humor.

Did I just say, “unrelated humor?” That implies that related humor is permissible. How insensitive of me, but really, all I want to do now is to hand some belated Christmas presents to certain city officials. There’s a good supply of “Lame Mirrors” at the local surplus shop that’d satisfy my sudden impulse for generosity.

The gifts even come with special instructions. Look into the mirror and slowly move it to the right. Stop when the letter “L” is right at the center of your forehead. There, perfect!

While it is true that no one can prevent a natural calamity from happening, common sense, caution and the absence of greed and political motives can at least save lives.

For example, common sense says you should not relocate communities by a river that sits by denuded forests and eroded regions perpetuated partly by your own greed. Your sense of caution should tell you not to ignore warnings from eye glass-wearing experts, with special degrees you can only pronounce with the help of a dictionary, of an impending disaster. Also, you should never, ever assume that nothing bad will ever happen just because it hasn’t happened yet in your lifetime or in your term of office.

I heard over the radio the other day that someone wants to set the record straight because we deserve the truth. Whose record? Why, his of course, written, edited and published by him. So while hundreds of displaced families sit in warm tents waiting for salvation, someone’s making rushed media rounds with ten fingers pointed outward. It’s everybody’s fault but mine.

Well, if he can spell E-L-E-C-T-I-O-N-S without cheating, I might believe him.

More than a week ago, news spread of Governor Vilma Santos’ idea of putting a Batangas Hollywood-like sign over Taal Volcano. That was really just in time for Halloween. It scared the peanuts out of me. That’s scarier than The Exorcist on a perpetual play loop.

Seriously, more netizens found it hilarious, hence, the avalanche of ridicule. A few days after the announcement, the more graphically skilled stone throwers created their own mock ups to… well, mock the proposal. My favorite is this one by Darwin Dela Cruz.

Darwin’s idea is a lot more appropriate to allocate tax money to than Gov. V’s.

In her own defense, Gov. V says people are overreacting. The proposal is still up for discussion, but really, the fact that they even thought about it…

V’s defenders were quick to say the sign will help boost tourism. I don’t know about travelling to places just to see signs (unless it’s the Hollywood sign) but if I were to visit Taal Volcano, I would go there with the intention of seeing the volcano, not some sign!

A couple of weeks ago Archbishop Oscar Cruz revealed that two powerful groups (distributors of political steroids, no doubt) have decided to flex their well-oiled, influential muscles and kick President Aquino off his seat. My eyeballs rolled involuntarily when I heard that and as I struggled to regain control of my organs, the distraught Pinoy in me whispered, “Here we go again.”

Cruz says Aquino’s incompetence has diminished his cutie points considerably. Well, in the seven months he’s been on the helm, lives have been lost, justice has been denied and the dumb have grown dumber. Also, the belt-tightening has grown so extreme that I now have the waistline of a waif. Two more inches tighter and I’ll qualify as a supermodel.

I wonder who they think is a better fit. The last time we raised our hands and complained, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my president,” we got served a chipmunk with a penchant for the shiny baubles in our coffers. Sadly, those who complained a second time to the waiter were thrown into jail. Apparently, exchange policies for tarnished presidents are valid for only one swap.

I don’t think we’ll ever get one who owns a magic stone he can swallow to turn him into a caped champion of the masses who can drag goons to limbo by their nose hairs, make oil companies drop to their knees, force politicians to do the public a favor by drowning themselves in their own dirt and whip the trash in the Pasig River into gold. For now, all we have is this president who seems to be losing the loyalty of his hair follicles and who might be having a hard time grasping the full scope of his work; but would you really rather have another economic genius with itchy palms?

My husband told me the other week that if you typed mukhang pera ka (loosely translates to: you’re a gold digger or greedy for money) in YouTube without the quotes you’ll get the face of the former Philippine president Arroyo. The clip with her face on it has dropped to the sixth spot today but it’s still on page one in YouTube.

Arroyo has it easy actually. I remember many years ago that if you typed miserable failure into Google, you’d get the then U.S. president Bush’s page on the first spot! Fortunately for Bush, Google came to the rescue and removed him from his perch before he started fermenting in rotten tomatoes.

How do these things happen?

The Arroyo clip is apparently one of only very few clips to which the phrase mukhang pera ka is associated with so naturally when you search for it, you get her. In Bush’s case, it’s all thanks to search engine optimization (SEO). Hordes of unhappy Americans simply banded together and linked to his page using miserable failure as anchor text. They figured they couldn’t just throw sticks and stones at the White House so they did it with virtual sticks, which, by the way, are perhaps now more damaging than real ones.

Incidentally, Google is still the biggest search engine and on the second spot is YouTube, which is actually also owned by Google. It’s nice to know world leaders are dominating the engines for search phrases.

There are times when I wish I didn’t have to wake up from a nightmare. I’d rather die in my sleep than wake up, for instance, to a thousand cockroaches competing for a spot on my cheek. The past few days have felt worse than cockroach infestations. The power crisis in Mindanao is in full swing with Agus dam’s water level below critical level. It might fall below a second critical level and then a third and a fourth until I imagine there’d only be rock bottom. The experts have pictures to prove that they aren’t lying for the sake of some lucrative political ploy, April fool’s day or just for kicks.

The problem is real and has been compounded by the fact that we just happen to be a location that El Nino loves to develop into a playground that he can trample on with pronounced impunity. If he doesn’t stop, the power curtailments could drag until June or July.

Why am I in a state of horror?

It’s not just because I feel like a turkey on slow roast. I am one of those who thrive on milking the internet. Those of my kind throng like parasites on the dark alleys of the online world and the internet welcomes us into her loving arms like a mother would her children except when there’s no electricity. I’d imagine our mother blabbering in JavaScript and HTML, “You’d better not come home without your kilowatts per hour.”

If there was a 25th hour, I’d probably still be up by then trying to catch the last train to my virtual haunts. Unfortunately, no caffeinated treat can keep my mental cogs in perpetual motion. I can’t imagine not sleeping for more than three months, but it’s either that or someone goes hungry.

In the meantime, accusing fingers are pointing to the current administration for failing to do anything about this foreseeable crisis in the last nine years it has been in authority. While the debate rages on whether Arroyo needs special powers or not to resolve the issue, the nightmare for us in Mindanao continues. As if we didn’t have enough bad dreams already.