Sunday, June 30, 2013

Top Five Mom Upgrades I Wish I Had

Unfortunately, this is now the new me.
I’ve lost my nanny.

To full time working moms with kids this translates to the end of time --- as in never having enough time for almost everything. Brushing one's teeth and bathing must now be considered luxuries.

This explains why I’ve missed giving my opinion about various developments:
  • Vice Ganda stuffing his hoof in his mouth with his r*pe joke
  • Charice transforming from a butterfly into a happy caterpillar
  • Pol Medina Jr.’s unceremonious exit from the Inquirer and his near fatal allergic reaction to nuns
  • Congressman Benjo Benaldo’s gunshot wound on the chest and that new song playing in the airwaves, Straight Through the Lung

It’s all well and good that I didn’t have the time to write about these incidents. Only Medina would have welcomed being made fun of. If I joked about the other three incidents, I would probably get tomatoes and eggs thrown at me on Facebook. Not a bad way to make omelet really, if I didn’t have to wipe the ingredients off my face first.

So what should the rest of this post be all about now? How about top five mom upgrades I wish I had so I can have more time and energy to write sarcastic humor even without a nanny.

#5. An External Brain – Just like an external hard drive. So I can have enough mental room to swirl ideas for hundreds of web articles while never forgetting immunization schedules, PTA meetings, kids’ school projects (that only parents can really make) and my kids’ names of course.

#4. An Extra Eye – I need one that can extend and retract so I can send it downstairs while I work on my articles upstairs. It should have a nicely arched frowning eyebrow so the kids know it’s time to stop fighting over who gets the last cookie.

#3. Four Arms – I know a mom who can juggle babies and bales of fish while hanging on for dear life inside possessed jeepneys. My arms though, just aren’t as strong. I need an extra two so the two I have now don’t have to go into the intensive care unit.

#2. Lithium Batteries – I need these because all this stress has made me perpetually sleepy. I’m always so sleepy I can sleep anywhere --- in jeepneys, restaurants, movie houses, heck, I bet I can even fall asleep in a roller coaster. My husband says if he could paint me black and orange using Photoshop I’d look exactly like Garfield --- fat and always sleepy.

#1. Patience on IV Drip – Is this all really going to last 20 more years? If only I can order extra patience as easily as I can order extra rice.

If you're a busy mom or dad too, what parent upgrades do you wish you had?

9 comments:

  1. LOL. I just followed your blog. I do need a dose of sarcastic humore every now and then. I'm not a parent but I bet if "human upgrades" were like apps on one's android phone, well I'd get the extend battery life app (o__o yes pls I'm juggling between being a teacher, an odesk worker, a tutor, and a blogger.. :P), a CLEAN MASTER or KILLTASK app that sweeps up all the mess that I make in doing aforementioned work and frees up space (also doubles as a KillFAT app.. haha. need that too!), and an ANTIVIRUS app to be free from all cough, colds, flu, or whatever sickness is out there. :) Yay for wishful thinking and looking forward to your next posts!

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    1. Hey Kai, thanks for the follow. :) Looks like you're a super busy female work drone too. Wait til you become a mom too. Hehe. Oh I definitely need your KillFAT app too! I often wonder why I never get to killFAT when I'm always so busy. :)

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  2. awwwww... I'm not a mom but I think this one's applicable to me as well. How I wish I had an external brain as well and patience dripping from an IV. I would really really need those now. :)

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  3. Oh, amen! You said it sister! I would also want mind control so I can tell my child what I'd like him to do with out using my voice and saying it again and again til he gets it. Urgh.

    Angel
    Http://guiled.blogspot.com

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  4. Absolutely right! I'm not yet a mom but I want to have lithium batteries! :D 24 hours is just not enough for me and I only sleep 3-5 hours a day which makes me more sleep when doing something so I wish I have extra batts :D

    xoxo,
    Gen
    http://www.genzelkisses.com

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  5. Hahaha! I was laughing while reading this post. Not only because it tickles my bones but I CAN REALLY RELATE on almost everything in here. It's a miracle if I can sleep at least 5 hrs a day. Well, not to mention those on the jeepneys, parks, etc. Can those be accumulated too so that I can, at least, make my way to 5-6 hrs of sleep? LOL!

    The only thing or upgrade that I want (as of now) is Ben 10's watch-like alien device called the Omnitrix . It can transform me into XLR8 when I want speed, Four arms when I want extended arms, Humungousaur for strength, and Grey Matter if I want to doze off and no one can notice me. :D

    Btw, thanks for this post, I really had a great read!

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    1. We moms lead such dangerous lives Jacqs. Imagine, we sleep anywhere and everywhere! Lol. Hey great idea about the Omnitrix. That should solve all my problems :D

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  6. Hahaha. Such a humorous post. I would want to have lithium batters and a hard drive mind. I get tired easily (or maybe im just lazy) so those would be really handy. :)

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    1. Hehe. Yeah lithium would be really good. I seem to be always short on energy too.

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