Monday, September 10, 2012

On The Expendables 2 and Meeting Expectations


This was this year's best movie for non-thinkers with a story fueled entirely by guns, knives, mixed martial arts and heavy foreign accents. The movie's plot you could very well write on a square piece of tissue paper with a drop of your own blood, but nobody cared. No one came to the movie house to think. They came to see all those big names together. I did too.

Sly Stallone figured that out of course, long before he drafted the story on his shred of tissue. Really though, he should have just called the movie The Reunion or The Predictable or even The Arthritis Club. None of the big names were truly expendable (except for Jet Li whose character, to my dismay was thrown out of a plane ten minutes through the movie) and you knew even before the first scene what to expect from the story and the actors.

Barney the dinosaur
Starring Barney, er... I meant Stallone. 


Because Stallone said so, his was the role of the reluctant hero even if the slick Jason Statham could have acted his way through the role better. Heck, a bag of potatoes could've done better than Stallone. If I died and Stallone gave me the same eulogy he gave to his slain comrade, I'd have gotten up from the grave and laughed.

Not even his action moves could save him. Stallone's character is incidentally named Barney and when he does a barrel roll, what comes to mind is not macho Rambo but his purple/fuchsia/magenta dinosaur namesake rolling while suffering from arthritis.

He was surpassed only by Dolph Lundgren as a purveyor of the “stoned” expression, but Lundgren I can excuse if only because a man who looks prehistoric but has a degree in chemical engineering deserves respect.

Liam Hemsworth was the dead good guy. As soon as he started telling his sob story and his dreams of a better life, you knew there was already an advance party sent to the hills to dig him a nice grave.

What's-her-name-with-the-irritating-tendency-to-tilt-her-head-to-the-direction-of-her-sideways-split-hair was the obvious token love interest. What you probably didn't anticipate was the distance you'd be able to hurl your lunch with that suggestion. I can accept Sly's aspirations of becoming a geriatric action star but he is no Hugh Hefner.

Chuck Norris was perhaps the only oddity on set. Could he have been placed there merely to showcase his antiquated facial hair? I can't explain why but he made me think of wild ducks. That's probably because his thick, perfectly combed beard probably looks more fitting on animals in the wild that need it to survive.

Poor duck. Oh why when I see Norris I think of thee? (Mallard Duck by FinlayCox143)

The one thing I wanted that wasn't there were Van Damme's trademark split legs. Then again, at his age, such a stunt could only land him in the infirmary.

We got exactly what we knew we'd get and I bet we'd go for a third ride if there was one but Schwarzenegger's reference to retirement at the end of the movie is appropriate advice. The grandfathers of action deserve to enjoy the remaining years of their lives without broken bones.

40 comments:

  1. The expendables are hardcore and I agree with you that maybe retirement from death defying scenes like this may be due for this action icons.

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  2. I can't wait to watch this massive action film with our all-time favorite action stars!

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  3. They could have added Clint Eastwood to the cast. Well, kidding aside, the film could have adopted Eastwood's flow of films.

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  4. I must agree with several of your points. I also must admit that I dozed off right after what happened to Liam Hemsworth.. and just continued on after a good few minutes of sleep. They could have also included in the cast Steven Seagal in this 2nd batch.. that would've completed the batch (IMO).

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  5. Good review. Seems a nice film to watch.Star-studded talaga. Parang cameo role lang ang kay Jet Li...hu..hu..hu...

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  6. I am not a fan of these action stars though I like watching non-thinking movies but not the violent type. Well maybe this movie will reveal if they still sell =)

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  7. wow, action movie, i want to watch this. thank you for your recommendation.

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  8. Your observations and commentaries are so funny, I am even more tempted to watch this movie.

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  9. Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. Well he's a legend in terms of memes. :)

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  10. I am so outdated. I have not even watched the first part. Hahaha

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  11. Super love them. Weeehhh! Love to watch this movie with my father again. Great action indeed. ^_^

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  12. hahaha, acerbic for the oldies indeed hehehe.... well perhaps they should be mentoring and coaching younger gens of expendables instead, you think?

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  13. Yeah! I think this movie only showcased the action prowess of the actors and only people with enthusiasm with this type of movie will highly appreciate its plot.

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  14. i admit i enjoyed the movie even if it was all guns all through out. every action movie has impossible plot anyway. :) but i was entertained as i did not expect anything but to be when we get into the movie house. we watched it because all of the retiring action stars were there. it felt too 80s... :)

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  15. I haven't seen expendables 2. Gosh!! Will try to check out next week if its still showing in cinemas. Thanks for the review.

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  16. Mindless action + the biggest names in Hollywood action movies = who wouldn't watch it? :D Sometimes, pure entertainment works, and this movie gives it.

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  17. Sabi nga nila, maganda ang Expendables 2. However, I failed to watch the first one, so I think it's a very big waste if I'll start with 2.

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  18. I am a fan of Vhuck Norris. i will watch it because of him, the Texas Ranger.

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  19. Star-studded film nga..Sly, Jet Li, Chuck Norris, Van Damme...grandparents of action , your film review made me laugh and even more interested to watch this film... :)

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  20. I heard bad reviews about this movie and my friend even told me not to watch it as it is a waste of time. oh well, I did not watch it.

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  21. Ha! LOL, I love your movie review, I haven't watch the movie yet.

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  22. full cast! I can't wait to see this one...we saw the first expendables....good or bad reviews..will watch it!

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  23. I have never see this movie yet but sounds like the biggest star are their...might check it as well to know more about this movie :-)

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  24. this must be a good movie, i think i've seen this on at the movie house now. i want to watch it myself and see how good or how bad the review will be :)

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  25. I have seen the first one and I loved it. I can't wait to see this one when they are available in red box

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  26. if you're an online gamer, especially a wow (world of warcraft) player, chuck norris means disaster because his so tough and godly :-) well i already watched this movie, and it's explosive.

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  27. I need to watch this movie to see what really happened haha

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  28. Haven't seen it yet... it's because it starred Barney.. probably Sly assumed you use 'your imagination' lol .. :) dropping by from BB :)

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  29. We've watched the first expendables and we like it can't wait to watch the second one! Looks more exciting lots of famous characters!

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  30. Wow I want to watch too but not with the kids hehehe. It will be huge since the stars are the big ones...

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  31. I haven't watched it and I believe my uncle (who loves movies too) didn't watch it or is even interested since I never heard him mention this one.

    Bigatin ang cast, that's the appeal of the movie to me, but doesn't mean I would want to watch.

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  32. Ay, I don't like action movies, I don't like Barney too so I won't watch nalang! :)))) kidding!

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  33. Though was my kind of movies to watch as I like hardcore action movies. Oh, not for the kids of course as I don't want them to watch bloody films. Not suitable for their age, I take it. Oh well, all these big names mixed into one big film is rather exciting. But upon reading your critics, it sounded like another crap film. Might as well wait for it to come out in Blu-rays. Maybe not my husband's cup of tea.

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  34. ive never watch the first one. hubby discourage me of watching. he said those guys are bunch of homos. hahaha. sorry. but it looks good though.. maybe i will try watching it without him. =)

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  35. One word for chuck norris at this film. Epic. Remember this line at the movie?:

    "Bitten by a cobra, after days of agonizing pain, the cobra died"

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  36. I can't wait for the DVD release of this movie. :D

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  37. i am not much a fan of action movies with all the guns and violence in it. But those people have made a name in the industry and I salute them for being able to create a movie one more time ...

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  38. Hahahaha. I like your alternative titles especially the last one. I haven't watched the film but the actors wanted one last shot to re-live their heroic moments so let's give them credit for that.

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  39. Chuck Norris rocked this movie! Super fun action flick! I hope Expandables 3 would also be a hoot!

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