Saturday, January 14, 2012

Panday 2 Review – Sort Of


 Belive in your own hype. No one else will.

I was in the dark, screaming for salvation, but when Flavio squinted into the morning sun and raised his sword in an attempt to convey the noble struggle of the reluctant hero, I knew I was doomed for another hour in purgatory. Purgatory. But I think I was closer to the brink of the pits of movie hell.

I should have paid closer attention to the promotional frame; respectable, bespectacled, looking-like-experts people heaping rave reviews at Panday 2 and the implied postscript that said it was for kids.  To paraphrase: Get ready for a senseless swashbuckling spectacle devoid of depth and a rational plot.

The idea should have been simple enough. Find the resurrected bad guy and kill him, simplicity I can accept and potentially appreciate, but they take the thought, pepper it with nettles, ram it down our throats and force us to believe it’s still digestible.

The problem with the story begins when Lizardo rises from the dead. Baruha’s intervention barely affords us an explanation as to the means of his resurrection other than, “She’s just got the power, man! Got a problem with that? “

If I clipped my nails, clicked my heels or did any other random act, I’d have been able to resurrect him too. That’s just saying the writer had to find any lame excuse to bring him back to life. Otherwise the movie would have been Panday 2: The Story of Flavio’s Boring Domestic Life.

It gets worse. Flavio learns of the return of his arch nemesis and promptly begins to wander aimlessly in search of him. Good for him, Lizardo loves to always be in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason, hence affording the opportunity for some sword tickling with Flavio. When Moses wandered the wilderness, he had a destination. Flavio’s was just wherever, whenever.

What’s worse than the story are the characters and the people who play them. There’s Bong Revilla, Jr., the king of massive jaws, whose utter lack of empathy for Flavio’s inner conflict is made obvious by his perpetually pained look; not the “I’ve got a deep dark conflict boiling inside of me” look, but the “wow, these lines are so difficult to deliver convincingly” look. An elephant on tranquilizers would have done a better job.

It didn’t help that Flavio was pitted against equally uncreative and thoroughly uninspired villains. Both Baruha and Lizardo have had extra shots of laughing gas, hence explaining their unstoppable urge to incessantly laugh their lines out, an unconscious message to kids that bad guys have so much more fun than the good guys.

Twins separated at birth.
Baruha bears the burden of the stereotype more. She is a cut out from an old Halloween catalogue. Whoever dressed her is clearly unaware that Hogwarts opened 14 years ago, where hip, modern witches are no longer required to wear pointed hats and sport crooked noses. Tsk, you are so 1950s Baruha.

The special effects should have been the movie's saving grace, perhaps the best in the Philippines, until you spot the missing twin. It’s either the Clash of the Titan’s Kraken had a twin brother separated from him at birth or cut and paste is now a standard practice in the special effects department.

Okay enough already. If I go any further I’ll lose my ability to string two thoughts together.

37 comments:

  1. Hahahahha! I love the review! I never got the chance to see it. Thank goodness my two boys are not fans of Panday and the missing twin Kraken! I have heard of the mockery from some fan-haters regarding this supposed special treat from the movie. Well I guess it's true.... cut and paste is now a standard practice in the special effects department. :( :(.. Too bad! And they didn't do well ha in the box-office department, only 3rd I guess with less than 115million gross considering how expensive their production ata.

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  2. That's why I never became a big fan of MMFF... Last year I had high hopes for the Rosario but it was just all lan Ai-ai became the best actress. dafuq?

    MMFF simply describes the comprehension of the mass when it comes to watching movies. Or judging trailers. Hehe

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  3. GMA Films should consider hiring better story writers. Like, seriously.

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  4. @Edward - so true! MMFF should consider leveling up their standards oy. And GMA should probably stop declaring they are number 1 because it's not showing on their box office results. That doesn't mean though that the quality of their movies are bad (because I have watched some lately online and I must say some are better than the overhyped Star Cinema movies).. They just need to widen their reach not focusing solely in Luzon. Just saying...

    Sila2x nalang ang nakikita every year! Meeeeggooosshh!
    Ai-Ai D., Vic S., Bong R., Shake Rattle & Roll, Mano Po (surprisingly they're absent this year)

    I want to see Asyong Salongga (looks like a quality pinoy themed movie).

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  5. hahaha sorry for my first comment. I forgot to type something somewhere there. And I forgot what should I type in there lol.

    Pero I agree. So-so quality ang CGI but the thing is that I would be able to take it if the storyline is waaaaaay better.

    Like for example Desperadas, looking on a poster of it would make you imagine that this is some brilliant feminist shit but when you really watch it, you will realize that you are just watching an afternoon soap with bad lines and bad musical scoring. My life has more value than these movies.

    Let's watch Asyong Salonga ta! lol

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  6. Hey guys. Nia diay mo dinhi. Haha. Thanks for dropping by. MMFF is a big fat joke! Pero may nalang once in awhile naay madawat sa akong sikmura like Rosario and Asyong (although Jessica Zafra wrote a semi thumbs down review). May nalang Kingpin ang big winner sa festival. Kung Panday pa to... Nah! Watch ta Edward, Emma... Problem lang kay murag la gipasalida sa CDO. Waaahhh...

    About sa GMA... yeah I would admit they've got extremely bad stories pero GMA nalang ko kaysa ABS. Hehe...

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  7. oh my I actually ignoring this movie the whole time thought that it was the same before and not new, I sometimes hate part II etc or sequel

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  8. I saw the movie....but not a fan too of MMFF. Sorry!

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  9. I enjoyed reading your review? How about an Enteng kabisote Movie review naman.:)

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    Replies
    1. I wish I could do that review but after watching Panday, I don't think I can stand Enteng! Haha

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  10. Hahaha, kataw-anan man imung revview mam Grace ui! Makalingaw! sa tinuod lang, wala jud ku nagwatch ani na movie. When I first saw the trailer na gi-pirate si Kraken ug ang giant scorpi, I was like, "naaaaaah, way lami!". Hahaha. Pero kung pailion pud ku kung GMA o ABS, sa TV5 jud ko! hehe :D Welcome to FBW mam! :)

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha. So TV 5 nalang ha. Thanks for the warm welcome Paliiits ;)

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  11. It's a good thing I decided to not watch this movie. Sayang pala sana pera ko.

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  12. Overhyped lang kasi ito ng GMA! Ehh..

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  13. I agree! overhype lang ng GMA talaga itong movie, but lets give them a chance naman, maybe they can make a better movies this year

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  14. i never did like Panday movies. i think he should have let it alone with FPJ's version, His version was the uncomplicated kind.

    leira
    http://www.echusera.com/generaltopic/bear-grylls-now-wears-the-pants/

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  15. This is one of the reasons why I am not very fond of watching Filipino movies.. Yung Tatay ko, mahilig dito. Pero ako, hindi. Most plots are predictable and downright ridiculous. Hindi ako fan ng MMFF.. Lately kasi, parang ambabaw na ng mga movies nila. Hindi naman lahat.. Uhm, personal opinyon lang po to.. Baka awayin ako. hehehe..

    Hanggang dun lang ba ang kaya ng Pinoy...? Sana gumawa ulit sila ng mga high quality movies.. pareho ng Muro Ami, Rizal, Dekada 70, Caregiver..

    Hayz..

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    Replies
    1. Oo nga Leah... Bilib ako noon sa Muro Ami at Rizal. Sana naman may sumunod na ganon ka ganda na mga movies.

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  16. haven't seen any of the panday movies..hehehe

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  17. if ever man napanood ko panday ung pnaka first pa ata un. ahahha! d tlga ako nahilig sa gantong movies.

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  18. Thank God I don't watch Filipino Movies that has got be one of the worst hours of your entire life.

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  19. What I don't understand about MMFF is that why it keeps on accepting the same movie each year, like Shake, Rattle and Roll which already has more than 10 sequels(?).

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Plano yata nila gumawa ng Shake, Rattle and Roll 100!

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  20. I watched Kingpin because it goes beyond the usual.

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    Replies
    1. I wanted to watch that Ivan kaso lang di pinalabas sa city namin eh. Ni isang theater wala.

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  21. Hmnnn I'm not into Pinoy Fantasy movies. I watched Enteng Kabesote because it's comedy but I don't think I could stand even 5 minutes watching Bong revilla. But your review made me laugh.. haha.

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    Replies
    1. I can't stand both Bong and Vic. :D Thanks Julie.

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  22. I find MMFF entries boring. Im not saying I dont like Filo movies, its just that I dont find it interesting enough. Sorry ha. :)

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  23. funny thing is i havent seen any panday with bong in it..

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  24. Was never a fan of films by GMA. Ewan. Borderline tacky eh.
    I love the version of the late FPJ more.

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    Replies
    1. I like that term Chilipina... "Borderline tacky" :D

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  25. Filipinos really love to copy things but this is really embarrassing. Coming from a movie where the main actor is against piracy

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  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  27. Oh by the way it's me Joanna from FBW :)aka Paper Writer

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