Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Female Issues

Don't wear a bad dress or a good one backwards if you're not Angelina Jolie.

If it weren't for this dress' brand tag and the two lines in front that I took to mean "This side up" I wouldn't have known front from back. I don't like dresses but I had to get one for a family affair. My fashion consultant, a.k.a. my husband, who is also my makeup and footwear adviser (I hope he's not gay), picked this one. I suspect it's because this is the one that can hide my convex curves best.

The dress was only the first hurdle. There were a hundred other things to think about--- hair, makeup, shoes, accessories, dead skin cells, constantly forgetting to sit with my legs crossed, etc. For most of these I figured I just needed some Gatsby, extreme facial exfoliation, ancient baubles from Jack Sparrow's chest and an appointment with a Halloween makeup artist. My only real great problem was the footwear. Would my dress look best with Nike or Addidas?

I kept an old pair of heels (clearly for emergency purposes) in a box along with other things I'd rather forget. Because I was certain rubber shoes would be treated like an atrocity, I had to take out the heels for a test walk. Shortly after, a trail of fine white powder started following me. Oh yeah, that's right. Like a lot of other things you bury for three years, earth friendly sandals decompose. The fine powder was parts of it joining Mother Earth.

Of course I had to get a new pair. My first order of business was to ask the sales clerk if I could swap my pick for a pair of sneakers if I came to my senses in a day or two.

Problems solved.

Not really. Despite the ingeniously designed dress, the facial diamond peeling and the new sandals, there was a great deal of pain, discomfort and feeling like fish out of water. The dress clung on sweaty skin, the makeup artist made me look like a cheap walking undead movie extra and the heels felt like weapons of mass destruction, massively destroying the muscles in my legs.

I can't believe any female can be feminine and be entirely comfortable.


  1. lols I first thought that was a glove XD

    I saw that pic of Angelina wearing her dress backwards, still ain't good XD

    I guess you should pick the dress along with your husband and do your own make-up 'cause most make-up "artists" just turn women's faces to ghosts.

  2. Hahaha. So even Angelina wasn't good looking in that inverted dress then :D Yeah, that makeup artist was really horrible. The bride and entourage had a good artist but I had the misfortune of falling into the hands of a toddler experimenting with makeup :D

  3. There is too much obvious gender issues hooha to be made here so I won't go there for fear of being typecast and predictable.
    What I take from this blog is this: I swear when I get married I will be either barefoot or wear a dress long enough to hide my wedding sneakers. ;)


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