Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Typical Wife

My husband and his pals have a base idea of what a typical wife is. Arms akimbo, the typical wife barges through the informal “social” gatherings of inebriated men, lets fly strings of verbal barbs and drags her man by the ear each time to get him home. The rest of the ruffians who witness such instances of utter and absolute humiliation, duck in various directions to protect their egos from the sting of the typical wife’s wrath.

I don’t fit the description. That’s why my husband’s friends love me too. The females in the typical category warn me of my folly. They say men need to be flogged in public so they don’t forget who their real bosses are. I don’t throw sharp words, breakable objects or facial contortions at my husband in public or in private because I’m too lazy. With two kids I don’t want to have to be the mother of a fully grown person.

The other night I found my husband tinkering with his phone in the dead of the night. Having settled on an inexplicably difficult mood (which I’d like to blame on hormones, Google, the president, Justin Beiber, the man on the moon or anyone/anything else other than myself) I asked him who the hell he was texting in the dark.

His jaw fell and the silence was long and pronounced. “Are you my wife? So what’s next? Are you gonna attend all my social events? Are you gonna stand with your fists up in front of my buddies?”

“When those things happen, my dear, you’d better worry that your real wife got kidnapped by aliens.”

Really, I just don’t know what came over me.

4 comments:

  1. I had to comment about the picture. I love Rufus Sewell.

    Now about the blog. I married my husband when we were only teenagers. 18 years old. I knew we would grow up together, and I knew even though we were the same age, I would be more mature. lol.

    In April we have 20 years. I do not give him a hard time about playing the Xbox. And I don't care if he goes out.

    The only thing I really bust him for is his cheesy movie fetish. Really? Steven Segal? Again?

    It doesn't work, he still watches. Maybe I should find it cool, and he will stop trying to irritate me.

    Rocky Balboa here I come!

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  2. Hi Kimmy. Thanks for dropping by. I suppose we really should just let our husbands be right? I don't think people can change so quickly after marriage :)

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  3. I had to attend a marriage talk for theology class once, and there I met a seasoned wife who spoke of her husband's drinking problem, which she thought would go away after they got married. Many years after they tied the knot, he still staggers home drunk and occasionally pees in the closet and other inappropriate parts of the house.
    She stays with him, because she realized that it was just a fundamental part of who he was, and she couldn't change it. Wow, if love is a battlefield, marriage looks like the UN.
    -MaryFGR

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  4. wahahaha. pretty quick wit you got there mary...

    yeah marriage is a lot like that so you gotta know that's what you're getting into before you decide to tie the knot. i was pretty much in shock too in the first few months...

    it's not that we should unconditionally accept that our partners won't change (after all, every human being should always strive to be better, right) but it's really a matter of accepting as fact that no one will change on account of marriage or of you...

    spouses should want to change because they seriously want to become better people. the sooner we accept this the sooner we'll save ourselves from disappointment

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